Together as One

Before I was a pastor, weddings were a social event to meet up with friends or family as we celebrate someone’s marriage. Wedding receptions were a time to drink and eat too much; to ridiculously move around on the dance floor (after a few drinks, what some would call ‘dancing’ gravitates to an area called ‘moving around uncontrollably’); and to lose your voice since talking with the person sitting next to you would be virtually impossible because the music was too loud.

Since becoming a pastor, the entire aspect of ‘weddings’ has changed for me. I think of them more in theological and spiritual terms, namely two of God’s children becoming one flesh. Marriage commitments and vows mean a lot more to me, as a clergyman, than they did before. The covenant aspect of the “I do” is so powerful, at least for me, for it signals a deeply spiritual willingness to spend one’s life with one they love, and no matter what comes up in life, whether good or bad, the”I do” is one that lasts.

Yesterday I attended the wedding of two terrific people, Jeffrey and Shifra. Coming from two different faiths (she is Jewish; he a Roman Catholic), their wedding was overseen by a Rabbi and a Catholic deacon. It was conducted using both religious traditions.

When the Rabbi stood to explain the ketubah to us Gentiles ( a ketubah is a Jewish covenantal agreement that outlines the duties of the husband towards his wife) and its significance in the marriage, the  “oneness” of marriage was striking. I sat there and started to long for us Christians to do something similar. State-sponsored marriage licenses are a joke; two people with ten bucks can fill out the paperwork to get married. But a ketubah really sets forth just how deep and “one” a husband and wife truly are to one another. Within the Jewish tradition, they are truly one.

It is not that we Christians lose sight of this understanding in the marriage service; we just do not take it to the next step and have the spouses sign a document that says they will be together as one for as long as they live. Honestly, I think we tend to miss this powerful significance of what a wedding is truly about.

OK, enough of my longing for a deeper marriage understanding amongst prospective spouses…yesterday’s wedding was fabulous. It was held at the Pleasantville Chateau in West Orange. At one time, this was a summer estate for a rather wealthy individual, but it is now offered as a catering facility. The grounds were impeccably kept; the house was stunning. In fact, the indoor pool in this estate was used in the movie “Cocoon” (the scenes where the cocoon’s were brought too after they were found in the ocean; where the seniors who were having so many health issues were essentially cured after diving into the pool with the cocoons at the bottom).

I saw a great number of people I haven’t seen in quite a long time, including my favorite Jewish Mets fan, Victor Traeger (and I mention him because he made a great admission yesterday: He reads this blog). If more Mets fans were like him, even I could see myself rooting for the team from Queens.

Sadly, I could not stay to the end — my chemo treatments didn’t treat me well on Sunday. I made it through the ceremony, the cocktail hour (didn’t eat anything), and the dinner up to the dessert. However, I skipped out right before the cake was cut. But my prayerful thoughts go out to both Jeffrey and Shifra as they start their lives together as one.

Together as One

Before I was a pastor, weddings were a social event to meet up with friends or family as we celebrate someone’s marriage. Wedding receptions were a time to drink and eat too much; to ridiculously move around on the dance floor (after a few drinks, what some would call ‘dancing’ gravitates to an area called ‘moving around uncontrollably’); and to lose your voice since talking with the person sitting next to you would be virtually impossible because the music was too loud.

Since becoming a pastor, the entire aspect of ‘weddings’ has changed for me. I think of them more in theological and spiritual terms, namely two of God’s children becoming one flesh. Marriage commitments and vows mean a lot more to me, as a clergyman, than they did before. The covenant aspect of the “I do” is so powerful, at least for me, for it signals a deeply spiritual willingness to spend one’s life with one they love, and no matter what comes up in life, whether good or bad, the”I do” is one that lasts.

Yesterday I attended the wedding of two terrific people, Jeffrey and Shifra. Coming from two different faiths (she is Jewish; he a Roman Catholic), their wedding was overseen by a Rabbi and a Catholic deacon. It was conducted using both religious traditions.

When the Rabbi stood to explain the ketubah to us Gentiles ( a ketubah is a Jewish covenantal agreement that outlines the duties of the husband towards his wife) and its significance in the marriage, the  “oneness” of marriage was striking. I sat there and started to long for us Christians to do something similar. State-sponsored marriage licenses are a joke; two people with ten bucks can fill out the paperwork to get married. But a ketubah really sets forth just how deep and “one” a husband and wife truly are to one another. Within the Jewish tradition, they are truly one.

It is not that we Christians lose sight of this understanding in the marriage service; we just do not take it to the next step and have the spouses sign a document that says they will be together as one for as long as they live. Honestly, I think we tend to miss this powerful significance of what a wedding is truly about.

OK, enough of my longing for a deeper marriage understanding amongst prospective spouses…yesterday’s wedding was fabulous. It was held at the Pleasantville Chateau in West Orange. At one time, this was a summer estate for a rather wealthy individual, but it is now offered as a catering facility. The grounds were impeccably kept; the house was stunning. In fact, the indoor pool in this estate was used in the movie “Cocoon” (the scenes where the cocoon’s were brought too after they were found in the ocean; where the seniors who were having so many health issues were essentially cured after diving into the pool with the cocoons at the bottom).

I saw a great number of people I haven’t seen in quite a long time, including my favorite Jewish Mets fan, Victor Traeger (and I mention him because he made a great admission yesterday: He reads this blog). If more Mets fans were like him, even I could see myself rooting for the team from Queens.

Sadly, I could not stay to the end — my chemo treatments didn’t treat me well on Sunday. I made it through the ceremony, the cocktail hour (didn’t eat anything), and the dinner up to the dessert. However, I skipped out right before the cake was cut. But my prayerful thoughts go out to both Jeffrey and Shifra as they start their lives together as one.

The Wedding Day is Not the Marriage

Late this afternoon, I had a long discussion with a recently married man who is having a wee-bit of trouble getting into the “marriage” thing he signed up for in July. He and his bride did not go through traditional marriage counseling classes before walking down the aisle. While their description of their wedding was something out of a fairy tale, they seem to have a misunderstanding about what a marriage really is and what it is based upon.

Marriage is not the wedding day. Mouthing vows is the easy part. Living them is an entirely different bucket of fish. The wedding day is the party. The honeymoon is an extension of the party atmosphere. When the plane arrives at the airport and the honeymoon is over, real life begins and the marriage starts. All those issues of living together, combining stuff, moving to a new home, figuring out how work schedules and private time can somehow mingle, paying the bills, walking the dog, making dinner, planning for children and where to raise them, talking about life, etc. should have at least been mentioned prior to the “I do’s.”

Too many times the emotional physicality plays the primary impetus for any couple thinking about getting married. Emotional couples who want to get married usually base their decision on a never ending “love” that they share, that the time they spend between the sheets is earth moving, that the bars they frequented as a couple will always play a major part in their continued relationship, that their individual lives won’t change much, etc. That is why marriage counseling is oh, so important. Couples have the opportunity to reflect, talk about, and understand that marriage in the church is about more than the human reflection on a couple living together in order to get health benefits. For at the heart of any marriage is God.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

Two becoming one. Not in some metaphysical or psychological way, but in a deeply spiritual manner where God brings them out of their individual lives and makes them one till death do them part.

Newly married couples who are having a challenge “getting into married life” need to take serious time to reflect on why they got married in the first place. Life for them changed dramatically when they said their “I do’s.” On their wedding day when their dog walked down the aisle wearing a suit – that was for show, for fun. Now that they are together as one flesh, they have to realize that now someone has to actually walk Fido.

Happy Day

This evening, I will officiate at a wedding at Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Ridgewood, NJ. Their pastor, Rev. Andrew Nelson, is on vacation and was unable to officiate, and I was asked to stand in for him. Well, I can’t really stand in for him — he is much taller than me. Though, I think my voice is louder.

Amy and Jan are very excited over their coming nuptials. At the rehearsal last night, their very large wedding party (8 bridesmaids and groomsmen, plus a flower girl and ring bearer) went through the practice like they were experts. They nailed it on one try. I expected with such a large wedding party, we’d have to do it a couple of times. Not these people.

The readers were fabulous as were the singers. One of the singers is Ciaran Sheehan, an acclaimed Broadway star who has appeared in “The Phantom of the Opera” and “Les Miserables.” Also, he sang at former Governor George Pataki’s inaugural in I think 2003 (I was in attendance). Ciaran has such a magnificent voice, it brings tears to your eyes. When I met him last night prior to the rehearsal, I felt like I was one of those crazy fans who meets someone they admire. But I kept it together. I kept my pastoral cool and never let on that I am a fan.

And you must be thinking — 8 bridesmaids and 8 groomsmen, plus a flower girl and ring bearer!!! Yes.

But look at today’s date: 8/8/08.

May God bless the soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs. Jam and Amy Ottens.