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October 20, 2011

Just Talking … Jesus and Tofu

by Rev. A. J. Iovine

“Hey there, preacher man! What are you doing way down here at WalMart?”

“I’m doing OK. I need a crock pot. Making beans the old fashioned way takes way too long.”

“Great. How’s your health?”

“I can’t complain. My surgery went well and I am on oral chemotherapy now. Every day is a new adventure.”

“Ain’t that the truth. I heard you gave up meat?”

“About a year ago I became a vegetarian. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to take it up a notch and eat only a plant-based, whole foods diet.”

“I don’t want to sound like I’m ignorant, but what the heck is that?”

“Oh, I eat only fruits, vegetables, grains, beans and nothing with any meat, dairy, eggs, or cheese.”

“Holy mackerel! You’re like one of those vegan people?!”

“Well, I guess that is true.”

“You telling me you don’t eat no chicken or tuna fish or nothing like that, not even when the football game’s on? Don’t you crave a spicy hot chicken wing every now and then?”

“I don’t think I’ve craved any food since I started the plant-based diet. But I really don’t eat chicken wings, meatballs, tuna fish with mayo, no junk food, nothing.”

“Then what do you eat? And don’t tell me you like that tofu stuff.”

“Well, I do like tofu.”

“Really? You eat that tofu? Doesn’t it look like spackle?”

“Yeah, I really do eat it. Not bad when you mix with it with vegetables and spices.”

“But that’s tofu, Anthony.”

“I know it’s tofu. I don’t make fun of your diet of bacon, pig fat, and sirloin steak, now do I?”

“I also eat a chicken breast every now and then. But answer me this: Jesus never ate tofu. He ate fish. Why wouldn’t you eat what Jesus ate?”

“Because I am eating a plant-based diet. I like eating fruits and vegetables. They taste good. Plus there are fewer calories. And when Jesus walked the earth, they didn’t have tofu.”

“Oh. But still. You really eat that?”

“Yes. I really eat tofu. I had it for breakfast today. Two days ago I made tofu scrambler with orange peppers, onions, spinach, tomato, and yes, extra-firm tofu. Added some spices, some nutritional yeast, and threw it in the oven. It came out …”

“Nutritional what?”

“Oh, nutritional yeast. Looks like cheese. Provides B vitamins. Tastes pretty good.”

“Anthony, I think you need a porterhouse steak. A really big one.”

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